I run a group for men.It’s a truly one-of-a-kind experience.For twelve weeks, I gather 12 men and talk about all the difficulties associated with being a man in a society that is changing quickly.In terms of race, income, education, age, relationship status, parenting status, and orientation, the group is diverse.Men always want to know how to be more themselves while challenging the roles we were taught as children.We have used these scripts, which are based on our cultures, family histories, economics, geography, and other factors, to solidify our beliefs about how we should act.
The group tends to fully confront these scripts on their own to determine whether they still work for each person.Observing a group of men conversing with one another about difficult and sincere topics without being criticized or criticized is an empowering experience.
We recently discussed in our group why men frequently struggle with distress management.One of the group’s men said that he can’t let himself be a burden to his loved ones.Now, a brief reflection on the group: We had previously discussed how men frequently define their roles as fixer, provider, and stabilizer.They talked about how they feel like they are doing the work of a relationship when they fix things (like the faucet, a stressor, etc.), give things (like money, a home, support, strength when needed, etc.), and so on.
And when they are stabilizing (ensuring that nothing gets out of hand by providing the strongest foundation possible)They talked about how they think they are being the best friends and partners they can be when they play these roles in relationships.However, they find it difficult to accept it when they are struggling or require those roles.As a result, when one of the group members said, “I cannot be a burden to others,” he or she provoked a heated debate.
I’d love to walk you through the discussion, but there’s not enough room here to do so. Instead, I’ll tell you where we came to a conclusion.The group quickly agreed that when others allow themselves to unburden themselves to them, they feel valued and important.The men talked about how a man feels trusted and intimate when a valued person is vulnerable enough to open up to him.They stated that it did not matter whether it was a close friend, family member, or intimate partner.The outcome was identical.When they discovered one of these valued individuals was struggling, they were able to recognize the sadness they felt but did not reach out to him for support.Even though they tend to want to fix, provide, and stabilize quickly in these situations, they also said that sometimes just listening is the most important supportive intervention.
Do you dislike ads?Become a supporter of The Good Men Project and watch it without ads. Only when the conversation turned to how they want their valued connections to feel did they realize that sharing one’s burdens gives these connections a sense of importance, worth, and trustworthiness.Although shocking, the shift from “I am a burden” to “I have burdens and I would like to share them with you because I value and trust you” was extremely well received.I am not a burden, but I have burdens. Recognizing that men do not always need to be strong for the sake of being masculine, but that sometimes the greatest strength is to share and bring people closer together, allowed the men to do just that.That night, the group realized that their definition of masculinity had evolved to include a new understanding of the power of burdens and the benefits of sharing them.
